I am not sure if it is the lingering memories within me, an urge gripped me to pick up my guitar
the first tune just came to mind most likely struck a chord of my feelings
and i just strum along the song

只剩下鋼琴陪我彈了一天
睡著的大提琴　安靜的舊舊的
我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道　你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我　也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪　我根本不想分開
為甚麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份　包容你也接受他
不用擔心的太多　我會一直好好過

你已經遠遠離開　我也會慢慢走開
為甚麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份　安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你　是因為我太愛你

As the tune ended, I faced my face to the right, spaced out in the silent night, recomposed myself and store my guitar away. Hopefully, I get to store more things away tonight….

Let this night be the night where the alcohol will wash away whatever residue that was left clogged up in me, let this this night be the night where the old me would fade away and a new me emerge from a cocoon that will shelter me all through the night. It’s a beautiful night tonight, the one I have wished for since I first set plans for it. Wish it be much better for you on the other side. May you fulfill what your heart desire truthfully. Cheers to the night. Cheers.

Picking up the pieces from the last journey, I was overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions, some were familiar as this isn’t really the first time, the rest are more of a new realisation. Regardless of it all, it’s all crucial that mold me as a person I am now. In retrospect, I’ve learnt a great deal, being refreshed of some core items which I had neglected and have emerged as a a renewed entity.

First thing I attempted was reconcilation. It has always plagued me to hide the truth from those who mattered to me, and those who ought to know. I am blessed to have people who understand and accept me however wrong or undeserving I have been. Words cannot express my gratitude of how big all of you are and even extended your warmth to me when you sensed I am not in the best of shape. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

Life is a series of moments. Along the way, things happen. In the midst of my self loathing in my sorry state, I eventually realised whatever lies ahead would only be an effect of my own self. News of the lost of someone dear to someone very close to me, has made me reflect on  myself. Maybe there is a degree attached to certain events and thus a method to gauge them. However, whatever happens regardless to which degree, it is a general consensus that one will let go and continue on. I will not say I am worst off or better off, but rather, things just happen, and it comes the time now to move on. To the rest of you out there, I hope you will find this answer within yourself when the time comes.

Was there a need to feel vindicated. No, not everything requires justification, right or wrong, victory or failure. Today, I find myself again, the self that somehow I lost in the pursuit of hope. I say to myself “It’s time I get back on the course, cast away the doubts and be who I really am”.

With the trail of memories left behind, I glanced back with a faint smile, and continue on my stride………

Last night is the time we face each other to face the truth, but even then I still could sense you lying. I know you lie because I know you Jane. You have cheated on me, you have betrayed my trust, you have hurt me when I have not made any mistake and instead committed fully to you. But I also know there is nothing I can do to stop this from happening, cause this is just who you are.

When your heart wavered, you did nothing to avoid committing the mistake. You went ahead to fulfill what you wanted without sparing a thought of me. When you were giving yourself to him, have you ever thought of me thousands of miles away here concern about you all the time? And after that, you feel justified in front of me, not even showing any lingering feeling of throwing away what we have built when we are together. I treasure that but you feel nothing of discarding me and the rest away from your life it seems. It was on that point that I realise you did not love me, nor do you know the true meaning of what love is. I would never do such a cruel thing to you or anyone I love. You make me know how pain this is and I swear I will never subject anyone to this torture. Maybe I should be positive that this happen now rather than later where the pain will be more and things will be more complicated. I did not lose anything precious actually. All I’ve lost is someone who do not cherish and love me. Someday you will realize that it is you who has chosen to lose someone dearly.

I know you Jane. More than your mom, dad, your brother, your sister and your own self. Amidst the disappointment, bitterness of betrayal and deep piercing pain, trust me when I say there is still a sense of concern in a corner of my heart. This may very likely be the last nice thing I would do for you as someone who once truly loved and cared for you.

Telling you to be a good girl like everyone else will most likely be useless. You are an adult now, and a woman by your own choice. You need to find yourself and the happiness you desire. Learn to be responsible, to yourself and for those who love you. You know best how good your current boyfriend is. Should he turn out to be not the right guy, do not stay for the wrong reasons. But if he is the one, put your effort to make this work. Things don’t just always happen the way you want it. It may be hard some times, but don’t just give up. Work on it.  Learn to love someone more than yourself. Most important of all, learn to trust and hopefully that will stop you from masking the truth with lies. You can tell a lie naturally but trust me, those around you know bout your lies but are either trying to deny it like how i was or just giving in to you. Don’t hurt those who truly loves you. The pain you caused me is so unbearable I don’t even wish you ever have to experience it. I know what I said might not even register in your mind, but this is the least I can do.   Just remember what I say now cause at some point in life, you will understand what I mean. Reflect within yourself, be clear what you really want in life, be responsible and be a trustworthy person while trusting those who deserve it.

Tell this to him, tell him to be patient with you, that you might act selfish, stubborn and panic at times, but tell him to hold on to you and make sure in those times you lean on him even closer. Make him understand that you need him by your side constantly. I am gravely hurt but I don’t see any point in holding grudges. After all, you were once the love of my life that I made a vow to myself to make you happy with all my effort. Right now, I will still be glad to know you find the happiness you seek in another person.

Since we are going to come across each other again, it would be best if we remain as friends rather than ignoring each other.  I know I can still care for you as a friend or if you so decide, offer the help that I can extend within my capacity when you need it.  Will you greet me back the next time I say hi to you?  Take care my friend, take care…. and farewell.

The night was disturbingly silent

Panic hit me and I struggle to rethink how did I end up alone in such a place

I have no recollection how the days, weeks went by

All I could feel now is a deep struck of pain

Across my heart

My throat is bitter dry

And I swallowed down every last bit of the bitterness whenever I think of my predicament

Again I ask, how did I end up this way?

Flashing back my memory, I see that the me then had actually expected this

And yet I went through with it,

But the me now still justify my decision back then

I wanted to face my feelings and act on it

And that was what I did

The only mistake, which to this day I am still unsure if I would call it a mistake

was that I forgot to put up road blocks along the way

There were signs of caution along the way, but emotions rather than rationality took the better of me

It was good, in fact great throughout the journey.  So much so that I lost hold of the brakes, and committed myself to the volatility that I should have known better.

I guess I am just not mature enough as there is still a long way before I know how to control my naiveté in being hopeful of things, against all odds

Was there regrets?

No, truthfully not a bit.

It meant something to me, though the feelings might not be reciprocated, it will forever be something I cherish deep down in a corner of my heart.

There was a sense of betrayal at the beginning, but that thought quickly vanishes

I know better, in fact I sensed it from the very beginning but nonchalantly ignored the signs

I had been trying to deceive myself of the likely outcome since the very beginning.

It gap and difference was an issue no doubt, but what makes the greater impact was that

I went in without any reserve, without holding back

I should have known better, what a fool I have been, but that is the kind of fool I’d rather be than to do nothing

I know I gave it my all, and abit more.  Maybe all that might have gone unnoticed, unappreciated.  But it didn’t matter now.  I will repeat the whole act if things were to happen all over again, that is just who I am, a fool who would not disguise himself.

Realisation sets in now,

but the pain does not stop.

It grips me hard as I stagger to put up a positive front of myself day in day out

Why do I still delve in pain knowing the curtains are finally pulled just like the script crafted from day one?

Why am I hurt so bad when I had expected this from the beginning?

Why am I the only suffering party when the other end is totally unaffected and in fact started a whole new chapter, with the void I left filled immediately

I choke on the bitterness in my throat so much so as I try to muster a cry

I feel a huge bit has been carved out from me mercilessly, leaving me surviving but in excruciating pain

I need to end this torture and pain

Is there anything that can stop me from hurting anymore?

Is there anything that can stop me from flashing back to the good times and happy times? The images and sentiments that flowed through me upon registering those images are bittersweet, more bitter than sweet, more than I can take it.

Tonight these unfamiliar walls shall prison me within, or maybe I was the one prison myself within

Tomorrow, I beg myself tomorrow I would gather my last remaining strength and sanity, to pull myself out of this misery.

I will move on.